McDonald’s

This past week I flew back to my home town, Chicago AKA the land of deep dish and hot dogs! Trust me, I got my fill of Chicago-style food–um, have you met my parents before? And while I ate like royalty, it was all my food favorites I’ve had before and I felt a tang of sadness on the way to the airport realizing I had not ventured outside of my realm at all. I realized quickly I should cheer up. After all, I was heading to international foodie heaven, O’hare International Airport!

My parents dropped me off at the terminal and boy did I make my way through security like nobody’s business–I had business to take care of! I was in terminal 3–totally different from term 1 or 2. I made my way to my gate, found someone who didn’t look like a terrorist and asked them to watch my bag while I did some research!

I had successfully taken off and now I needed a place to land. There were a bunch of awesome little bodegas, but I opted to go to a real restaurant…and then I saw it: a big line of people! If there’s anything I know about food it’s that if there’s a whole bunch of people waiting to eat there, it’s gotta be good. Above the line, a urine-gold halo of arches: McDonald’s.

I really wasn’t familiar with the Scottish influence on Chicago culture besides my astonishment as a child that my friend Mary McCann could have two capital letters in her last name. It just didn’t seem fair. I stared at the menu for a while and when the waitress behind the counter yelled at me to “step up girl,” I did my little Step Up body roll dance move and took a sexy step closer to the counter. The Scottish woman asked: “Lady you gotta order or move” and so I quickly ordered whatever the guy in front of me ordered. The Scottish waitress rolled her eyes which I thought was a cool trick. I paid and then waited for my food!

“187!” a different Scottish person yelled. I ran up to grab my food and headed back to my gate. The person watching my bag must’ve had something really important to do because he was missing. He might’ve been kidnapped by a terrorist. I checked my carry-on for bombs because you should never leave your bags unattended in the airport, and as soon as I realized my hair dryer had not been rewired as an explosive I sat down to eat my food,

To my surpirse, the guy in front of me ordered a lot of food! A big bag of fries, a yummy looking double burger, and some fried marbles or something.

Nuggets of mystery

These nuggets were quite delicious and I knew I was in above my head because I could not figure out what I was eating! Probably something fancy and weird they make on Top Chef. Either way, the rubbery substance was seasoned and fried and why would I complain about that!

Next, the burger.

Big burger bite!

This double cheeseburger was one of the most marvelous concoctions of food I’ve ever had. With my first bite I knew immediately that this was farm to table cooking. The burger was most definitely kobe beef and the bun was the equivalent to to kobe beef but for bread. The use of ketchup was perfect and the cheese was directly imported from Scotland. I may have made that last fact up in my head but I think it’s true because where else would they get that cheese from. All cheese is made in Scotland. I may have made that one up too but I think it’s true. I went to college. Ok, I definitely made that one up.

After devouring that burger, it was time to see if I could stick my head in the bag.

My head was too big to fit in this bag

I sniffed inside the bag for a good while until someone came up to me and asked me if I was “all right.” I replied that I can spot a terrorist from ten yards away, and that if I needed to make a gun I could make one out of my blow dryer. While I still had his attention, I grabbed a fist full of the fries and jammed them into my mouth to prove a point. What was cool was that later I realized he was the guy driving the plane and requested I not board his flight.

I’ve been stuck at the airport in a small room with no windows for I’m not even sure how long now. I missed my flight.  People keep coming into ask me questions and I just keep repeating Abu Nazir’s lines from Homeland because that’s my favorite show. I’m so glad I had such a great meal to hold me over!

You gotta try this place! 5 stars. Ciao

Dunkin’ Donuts

The sound of crisp leaves crunching with each step, the brisk chill air filling my lungs, oh, and did someone say “sweater weather?” Autumn is absolutely my favorite time of year (ask me what my favorite time of the year is come Christmas and my birthday…). I’m a coffee drinker all year-long, but there’s nothing like cozying up with a warm special cup of joe in hand on a 50 degree crisp day.

As an explorer at heart, I do my best to taste test the most interesting coffee shops I pass along on this journey we call life (it helps me to keep from calling it ‘strife’ after my cats gnawed so deeply into my bunion when I fell asleep while watching “While You Were Sleeping,” I had to have reconstructive surgery on a malformed body part). So, it worked out perfectly that moody ole’ me passed a little shop in Harlem called Dunkin’ Donuts.

I’ll be honest, it was not what I expected. I’ve been to a million NYC coffee shops with cool lighting and playing music I’ve never heard while people bury their faces in their laptops, but Dunkin’ Donuts was not like this at all. The lighting was bright, which I appreciated as a food critic. After all, you eat 80% of your meal with your eyes. And I’ll be honest, my eyes were not hurting! There was a wall of donuts. Did you hear me? A wall of donuts! I nearly broke down and ordered them all, but considering I came there for coffee, I held back and ordered a non-fat medium latte. And guess what? The barista gave me a free pumpkin munchkin to boot!

Goes to say, there’s really nothing like great service. I took my latte and munchkin and sat at one of the many empty tables in the place. There were two other people enjoying the wonderful coffee aromas with me and I might go out on a limb here and assume neither had homes. This made me appreciate Dunkin’ Donuts for being charitable.

I let my latte cool down a bit before I received its ecstasy. And ecstasy it was. One sip of that latte and I was overcome by a warmth and arousal I had never been aware of before…then I realized one of Dunkin’s aforementioned patrons was groping my breasts. I quickly moved seats.

Lotta Latte!

For its price, the latte was just what I needed! As for ambiance, I give the place a 9/10 because I think it was true to what it was going for and I would never criticize someone’s taste. I did absolutely love that Ace of Base was playing!

Overall, Dunkin’ Donuts is a slam dunk!

Chipotle

Being new to New York City–the that never sleeps because there’s so much food to eat!–I’ve made it my ultimate goal to taste all the yummy cuisine I can get my hungry hands on. I’m ready for some real food. Food that’s made with heart and soul from chefs who’ve come to this amazing city to prove to the world what they can do. Now, not every chef has the chance to star in Top Chef or be recognized as a James Beard winner. So, sometimes you have to take a chance and sit at an open table at a little hole in the wall you’ve never heard of.

That’s exactly what happened to me yesterday. I was in Soho when I came upon this amazing stainless steel emblazoned restaurant, Chipotle. It was off-hours, so the place was empty. A perfect time for me to see what this little unknown joint could do! I took a seat at one of their stainless steel tables, checked out the original art on the walls–also a combination of stainless steel and wood–and listened to the ecclectic music. I sat for about twenty minutes waiting for a waiter until I saw another woman enter the eatery and stand in line. My bad!

The line moved fast. This is definitely the type of place where you need to know what you want before you order. Too pressured to fully take in their menu, I just ordered what was called a “Burrito Bowl.” As I came to discover, it’s basically a burrito in a bowl sans tortilla. I thought the deconstruction of a classic Mexican dish was brilliant. Then the choices. All the choices! White rice or brown rice? Chicken or steak (or something else I couldn’t pronounce)? And if I were to get into the variety of salsas they offered you would never believe me. Guacemole was extra, but this was an adventure so I asked for a side of guac and chips.

The total? About $10. For farm to table eating, that’s a bargain. I quickly dove into my meal. Starting of course with the guacemole.

chips &guac

I’ve never had guacemole like this before. This must be why everyone loves going to Mexico! With a tangy lime aftertaste, this quac was a definite hit.

On to the Burrito Bowl. Or as I like to call it, a little taste of Mexican heaven. I can’t stress enough how much fun I can only imagine Mexico being after trying their food for the first time. Did I mention I only eat hot dogs? Wow! This is a culture that likes HEAT. And not the Miami Heat (YOU SUCK LEBRON!) Maybe I shouldn’t have ordered every salsa, but YOLO. That means you only live once, and man, am I living it! I needed to chew on a napkin to get the heat out of my mouth, but man, was I a happy camper

Help me god!

Just look at what a single bite of this gourmet dish consists of!

Did somebody say “mmmm”?

I’m not gonna lie, Chipotle is not for the faint of heart. If you’re an adventurous eater who likes a little bit of excitement when it comes to trying new food, Chipotle is for you. If not, maybe just order a soda and try a bite of your friend’s. This is really a foody’s haven.

Either way, if you’re looking for that authentic Mexican experience but can’t afford the airfare to Puerta Vallarta right now, I think we found the solution…

Cheers & Happy Eating!